The Last Time
by RupertsPheonix
Summary: She loved him but hated herself, and she just couldn't do it anymore. Saying goodbye is never easy, even if you're the first to say it. [oneshot]


**Disclaimer:** All characters and places belong to JKR. You know the drill.

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**The Last Time**

Lily Evans swept her long, auburn hair from her face and pulled it hastily into a ponytail. This was going to be a long, tough day, she knew. She knew what she had to do, she just didn't know if she had the courage to do it.

But she _had_ to.

Sure, they had been best friends since they were small children, and, sure, she had most definitely fallen in love with him, but it could never work. She hadn't admitted that to herself before and, as she did, a small part of her felt relief.

She did love him; that's what made it so hard.

But she loved the old him-not this reckless, power-hungry man who had taken over. She loved the Severus that had grabbed her hand and held her steady when she fell, the Severus that had talked so freely, so sincerely with her.

She could remember summer holidays spent on the neighbourhood playground, even after they were both much too old to play on the equipment. Her heart skipped a beat as she remembered the holiday before seventh year; they had run around the playground, laughing and smiling as if they were completely carefree. He'd push her on the swing set, and-she remembered, trying to stifle a tearful laugh-he'd tried to go down the metal slide and had almost gotten stuck, proving how much they'd grown over the years.

It was times like those that made her forget how much they'd fallen apart.

And it was times like those that she wanted Severus back-she wanted him to be the kid that she had met so many years before on that very same playground.

She could recall asking him if she was going to be considered different for being muggleborn. He had said no.

When she thought about his response, anger and resentment poured through her. _He had said no._

He had said no, knowing very well that her being a muggleborn would ruin everything-ruin their friendship, ruin her school years. He had lied.

He had lied, and she still loved him. _How ridiculous could I be,_ she'd scolded herself more than once.

Even though he'd hurt her, she'd been there. She'd been mad plenty of times-felt slapped across the face and stabbed in the back more times than she could count, but she'd been there. She'd been there because that's who she was: Lily Evans, friend-till-the-end, never-give-up kind of witch. A stand out person.

She hated herself for it.

She hated herself for being there, time and time again, for listening to his apologies and for accepting them; she hated herself for loving him.

But she didn't know how to stop. He was just so _good_ at getting back in her life. There were times when he'd rip her heart out-ditch her for Avery and Mulciber, or call her "mudblood"-and he'd come back, whimpering his "I'm sorry," and she'd take it. She'd let him have her heart again, let him walk on her one more time.

And it was always supposed to be just one more time, but it never was. It was always, "One more time, Sev. One more mess up, and I'm through with this."

He'd break out into a grin, knowing he had her back.

He always had her back.

She loved him but hated herself, and she just couldn't do it anymore. Hating herself was becoming too much, and being his friend was becoming too difficult. The fights were too painful, the apologies too frequent. Hating herself was something she'd have never thought possible years ago, but now it was second nature.

Their relationship was unhealthy, and it had to come to a close, as painful as it might be.

Lily picked up her schoolbag and headed down to the Great Hall where everyone would be eating breakfast. He'd probably be sitting with his Death Eater friends, and she'd be looked at with that cold disgust again, but this would be the last time.

_The last time._ The thought brought tears to her eyes, but she refused to shed them just yet. She knew she'd cry, and she knew he wouldn't understand, but this would be the last fight. It had to be the last-she'd promised herself that there'd be no more.

It was a promise she intended to keep.

When she entered the Great Hall, she spotted him immediately; a greasy head of black hair sat at the end of the Slytherin table. She'd have to pass by the entire Slytherin house to get to him, but she wouldn't let that break her resolve.

She threw her head back proudly and marched to the end of the table, ignoring the looks of repulsion from Severus' housemates. She came to a stop behind him and tapped his shoulder roughly.

He looked up in mild surprise, his eyebrows raised in question.

"We need to talk. Care to walk with me?" she asked briskly.

He shrugged, nodded to his housemates, and stood. "Where are we going?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter, Sev. Just away from here."

He followed her out of the hall, and when they came to the oak front doors of the castle, he looked at her, an oblivious grin on his thin lips.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Sev, things aren't... well, they aren't okay."

"Well, what's wrong? Did you have a bad morning?" Concern laced his eyes.

She shook her head. "I mean with us. Things aren't okay with us. And I just..." She took a deep breath, knowing that she had to be honest and say it. She bit her lip, willing herself not to cry yet, and then continued, "I just can't be with you anymore. I love you, Sev, but this... this isn't working."

"Lily?" He blinked. "What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?"

She swallowed, feeling the traitorous tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "This is coming from months and years of being unhappy… I'm sorry."

She started to step forward, to leave, but he grabbed her arm.

"This is coming from nowhere! You never said anything about it before," he contended.

"No because I was trying to fix it, Severus, but some things can't be fixed. I'm sorry, I really am. But I don't want to be around you anymore. It hurts too much."

He paled. "If it hurts, then why are you doing it?"

She felt the first tear slide down her cheek, and whispered, "Because I can't hate myself anymore, because I can't sit up one more night crying over you and worrying about you."

"There's nothing to worry about, Lily!"

She looked at him, cursing the hopelessness that surged through her.

"I'll fix it, Lily, I swear. Just let me fix it-I promise it will be okay," he urged.

"You won't fix it; you never fix it. I love you, Severus, but I can't be happy with you. For once, I'm going to stick to my word and just walk away. I'm sorry."

She moved swiftly around him, trying not to notice the tears that streamed from his dark eyes. Her vision was blurred with her own tears, but she did not hesitate. She_had_ to keep her promise, even though it hurt like hell.

She had to.

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**A/N:** Hello, readers. This is my first Lily/Severus where it focuses solely on the two of them, so I'd love any opinions on it. Also, I wanted to make sure to say that this is a response to a challenge on another forum.

Thanks for reading (and reviewing, if you've got the spare minute),  
Kate/RP


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